Harger: A Mongolian grill owner left 31 tips for a happy marriage on every table. I still think about them

There used to be a great restaurant next to the Redondo Fred Meyer called the Pac Hwy Mongolian Grill, and on every table, right next to the menu, the owner left three laminated pages of marriage advice. Two pages were his. One was his wife’s.

The first tip on the husband’s side: Tell your wife you smell something burning. When she asks what, you say, “My heart is burning for you.”

My wife and I ate there all the time before it closed in the early 2010s. It was an all-you-can-eat place where you could pick your own meats and vegetables, and the owner was Mr. Kim, a really nice man who ran it with his wife. His guide was titled “31 Ways for a Mr. Kim to Make a Happy Home.” Her page was called “How to Be Loved by Mrs. Kim.” It had 24 tips from her.

I have thought about those three pages more often, and more fondly, than almost anything else anyone has ever handed me in a restaurant.

The Kims wrote their marriage down and left it next to the Sriracha

Most of us run our marriages on whatever we absorbed from our parents, minus the parts we swore we’d never repeat. We don’t write it down. Mr. and Mrs. Kim wrote it down, numbered it, laminated it, and left it on the table for strangers to read while they waited for their stir-fry. Both of them got a page. Both pages asked for a real sacrifice from the other person. And by all appearances, these were happy, hardworking people building a family and a business, who were generous enough to share the blueprint with anyone who came to eat there.

A lot of this advice wouldn’t work at our house. My wife would be the first to tell you that. But the Kims weren’t writing instructions for us. They were showing what worked for them, and the honesty of it is what made it stick.

Tip 12: Buy a losing lotto ticket. Come home and tell your wife she married a winner

Some of the tips are flat-out wonderful. Tip No. 12: wake up, tell your wife today feels like your lucky day, go buy a lotto ticket, come home, and tell her it was a winner, and hand her $50. The parenthetical, verbatim: “Even though the ticket wasn’t a winner.”

It’s a white lie, and it’s sweet. The way Mr. Kim wrote it, it’s about how she makes him feel. She makes him feel lucky. Like he can take on the world. And the way he shows it is by coming home with $50 and a story, because he wants her to feel it too.

Tip No. 7 has the husband take off his jacket, revealing a photo of his wife clipped to his shirt. “So you will always be close to my heart when we are apart.” And after spending quality time together at night, Mr. Kim said the husband should tell his wife, “I was born to be with you. Why are you so pretty?”

Tip No. 31 said the husband should give his wife a thank-you trophy at the end of the year because she worked hard to make a happy home. An actual trophy. I bet you haven’t given your spouse a trophy recently. Mr. Kim did it every year. No participation awards in that family.

‘Finances should be controlled by the husband. (Why? Money means power)’

That’s tip No. 4. It wouldn’t fly at our house for five minutes, and most couples I know would say the same. But Mr. Kim put it in writing, Mrs. Kim had her own page and didn’t cross it out, and, by all appearances, they built a working marriage and a business together. Maybe the deal worked because both of them agreed to it with their eyes open. I don’t know. I do know they seemed happy, and I’ve seen plenty of couples who split everything 50/50 and can’t stand each other.

It sits a few items from the one about the husband taking the comforter to the laundromat because it’s hard for a wife to wash the bedding by herself. Mr. Kim’s solution: Take it to the coin laundry and read comics while you wait. I love the image of this man sitting in a plastic chair at a laundromat in Federal Way, flipping through the latest Batman, while the king-size comforter tumbles dry. That’s real love.

A few items later, the husband is told to make a $3,000 annual donation to his wife’s family because she doesn’t get paid for housework. My brother-in-law listens to this show, and I need him to understand that this is Mr. Kim’s advice, not mine.

The whole list is sweet and uncomfortable, sometimes in the same sentence. Mr. Kim said to make breakfast for the kids while your wife puts on her makeup, because she’s busy in the morning. Give her a free day every week. Wash the dishes twice a week. And never, ever call her fat. “Just say you would appreciate if she can watch her weight.”

Mrs. Kim’s side mirrors it: treat your husband with respect, never curse at him. Don’t compare him with other husbands. Don’t look down on him because he doesn’t make enough money.

Then it gets more complicated. “Husband is the King,” tip No. 11 said. “Wife needs to try to be Superwoman,” Mrs. Kim’s final entry said. She told wives to do their makeup before their husbands wake up, and to wash their feet when they come home tired. There’s also more massage and oil talk than you’d expect to find at a restaurant. And an opening item on Mrs. Kim’s page involving a comparison of undergarments that I will describe only as memorable.

In some practical advice, Mrs. Kim told wives to leave if their husband gambles. “Why? 80% of divorces stem from gambling problems.” That’s a woman who watched some marriages end and took notes.

You could read those lines and throw out the whole document. I think you’d be missing the point. These two people negotiated their deal openly, wrote it down, and put it where anyone could see it.

One day, the restaurant was just gone

My wife and I didn’t adopt the Kim system. Our finances are a democracy, nobody washes anybody’s feet, and my 10th anniversary ring for her didn’t come from the Costco jewelry case, though Mr. Kim’s suggested budget of “about $500” for rings is solid consumer guidance.

But we quoted that list to each other for years. One of us said, “My heart is burning for you.” We crack up when we talk about the visual Mr. Kim gives: “Wife is very beautiful. Husband says he wants to take a picture of wife. She asks, Do you have camera?’ Husband looks at wife, says 1,2,3, and winks at wife with left eye. Tells wife it wasn’t a good photo, says 1,2,3, again and winks at wife with both eyes.”

Then one day, the restaurant was closed. No farewell sign. No news item. The Fred Meyer strip mall moved on the way strip malls do. We still wonder where Mr. and Mrs. Kim went. I hope it was somewhere good.

Because what survived the restaurant isn’t the advice. Most of it was never going to work for us, and some of it belongs to a different time. What survived is the fact that two people thought their marriage was worth writing down, tip by tip, and putting it out in the open for anyone to see.

Wherever you are, Mr. Kim, tip number one still works. Something is burning.

Here are all the tips from Mr. and Mrs. Kim:

31 Ways for a Mr. Kim to make a happy home

1. Tell your wife I smell something burning. Wife asks, “What is that?” You say, “My heart is burning for you.”
2. Wife doesn’t get paid for housework, so once a year, make a donation of $3,000 to wife’s family. Everyone is happy.
3. For wife’s birthday, eat (for free) at Pac Hwy Mongolian Grill, order roses and card beforehand, and have them delivered after dinner. For special surprise.
4. Finances should be controlled by husband. (Why? Money means power)
5. Wife works away from home, should buy flowers for her every six months.
6. Wife is very beautiful. Husband says he wants to take a picture of wife. She asks, “Do you have camera?” Husband looks at wife, says “1,2,3,” and winks at wife with left eye. Tells wife it wasn’t a good photo, says “1,2,3” again and winks at wife with both eyes.
7. Husband takes jacket off and wife sees a photo of her clipped to his shirt. She asks, “Why is that there?” Husband says, “So you will always be close to my heart when we are apart.”
8. Invite your wife to dinner (Pac Hwy Mongolian Grill), and tell her you have something very important you need to tell her. During dinner, lean across the table and tell her, “I love you,” and tell her, “You are so beautiful.”
9. Instead of giving your wife a kiss goodbye, make the shape of a heart around your head and say, “I love you!”
10. While out shopping, hold your wife’s hand. Why? It shows everyone you are happy and have a good life.
11. Wife should wait on husband while out with friends, get napkins, water, or whatever he needs (Husband, while at home, waits on wife. Why? Husband is the king).
12. In the morning, when husband wakes up, tell wife he has a feeling today is his lucky day. He is going to buy a lotto ticket. He comes home and tells wife it was a winning ticket and gives wife $50 for spending money. (Even though the ticket wasn’t a winner)
13. Wife calls and says, “Honey” in a pleasant voice (My son says, “Honey is in the kitchen cabinet”)
14. Wife makes husband’s favorite food (husband says you must love me very much), so every day, wife makes husband’s favorite food.
15. Prepare breakfast for kids and wife. (Wife is busy in the morning putting on makeup.)
16. Spend some time with kids at least once a week. (Eat at Pac Hwy Mongolian Grill, kids under 3 years free & free toys. Hiking, movie, roller-skating. Wife will be very happy.)
17. Wash the bedding at least twice a month for your wife.
    (It is hard for a wife to wash the bedding by herself, so she would appreciate it if you go to the coin laundry and wash the bedding for her. In the meantime, read comics or books.
18. Help wife clean up the house once a month. (Just vacuum)
19. When you come home late, give your wife pocket money, about $20. (While husband go out and have drink, wife spends most of the time watching kids.)
20. Give your wife a free time at least once a week.
21. Take a trip with wife at least once a year. (To place of interest to both)
22. Act like you are talking in your sleep. (Say something that would make her feel good, or special, such as “I love you.”)
23. After you spend quality time at night, tell her, “I was born to be with you.” “Why are you so pretty?”
24. Give wife a present for 10th anniversary. (Make a couple of rings at Costco for about $500)
25. Once a month, take a bath with your wife.
26. Massage your wife with baby oil. (Good for relieving stress.)
27. Wash dishes for your wife at least twice a week.
28. Do not call your wife fat. Just say you would appreciate if she can watch her weight.
29. Drink outside of house only once a week. Everyday drinking is bad for your health.
30. Do laundry for your wife, and have her fold clothes.
31. Give wife a thank-you trophy at the end of year. (Because she worked hard to make a happy home.)

How to be loved by Mrs. Kim

1. Events at night. (Husband is comparing his wife’s underwears. He look at the big ones and said ↓, then he look at thong and said ↑)
2. The wife said, “If you don’t buy them, don’t complain.”
3. The husband writes a note saying, “Thank you, wife, for bringing happiness and money to the house.”
4. The husband should always say that father and brother-in-law are the best people, and not talk bad about them.
5. The wife said I care about husband’s family.
6. The husband is always thinking about the happiness.
7. The husband is the No. 1 taking care of his house.
8. Husband works hard and comes home tired. Wash husband’s feet and give him a foot massage.
9. When the husband comes back home safely with no problems, wife always says a prayer of thanks.
10. When the husband lives the house in the morning, give a kiss to his wife and same when he comes back.
11. Treat your husband with respect, never curse.
12. If he gambles, leave him. (Why? Divorce 80% are gambling problems)
13. Serve your husband his favorite foods (help feed him like a king) once a month.
14. Bathe your husband, oil massage?
15. Make kids give your husband a hug when he comes home from work.
16. Give him free time once a month to do the things he enjoys.
17. Facial massage once a month.
18. If your husband is out drinking, wife anytime call OK? Pick him up.
19. Do makeup before your husband is awake.
20. Do not compare him with other husbands.
21. Give him something first when there’s something you want.
22. Do not ignore your husband or make fun of him in front of people.
23. Do not look down on your husband because he doesn’t make enough money.
24. Do not put off a job because of kids. (Wife needs to try to be Superwoman.)

Charlie Harger is the host of “Seattle’s Morning News” on KIRO Newsradio. You can read more of his stories and commentaries here. Follow Charlie on X and email him here. 

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