Ask Ursula: Our grandson cries every time he has to come stay with us. How do we make this work?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

How do you reason with a 3-year-old?

Dear Ursula,

My husband and I have a grandson who is almost three. We live about a mile away and have been very involved in his life since he was born.

For quite a while now, we have watched him at our house for about six hours a day, sometimes five days a week. Our daughter works from home and needs uninterrupted time, and our son-in-law is now home after serving overseas with the Air Force Reserve. We are happy to help.

Here is the problem: until recently, our grandson was always happy to come to Grandma and Papa’s house. But now, when it is time to leave, he cries and says, “Stay home. Stay home with Mama.”

He is too young to explain why he does not want to come over, and it is making everyone uncomfortable. No one wants to feel like we are forcing him. He also knows now that if he leaves home with me, or if a parent brings him to our house, he will be gone for several hours.

Last week, he had a meltdown when our daughter dropped him off and left. I held him while he cried for 45 minutes, and then he fell asleep for two hours. None of us wants to repeat that.

My husband and I did go to their house one day and played with him there, but we cannot do that every day. When he is at our house, I can still get things done, and he even helps me with little things like watering plants. That does not really work at their house.

So my question is: how do we convince an almost-3-year-old to go somewhere when he does not want to go?

We refuse to bribe him or lie to him, but we also need an arrangement that works for everyone.

Signed,

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

First of all, what you and your husband are doing is such a gift.

Watching your grandson several hours a day, several days a week, is a BIG DEAL! It’s not only so helpful to his parents, but it also gives your grandson time with caring grandparents who clearly love him to pieces.

But now he’s hit the almost-three-year-old stage. He is figuring out that he has opinions. And right now, his opinion is, “I want to stay home with Mama.”

That does not mean he does not love you. You know that. It also doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. It means his routine has changed, and he would rather be where he feels most in control. And because he’s unable to explain that, it comes out in tears.

But here is where the adults have to take charge.

This arrangement cannot work if you and your husband are expected to go to their house every day and act like in-home nannies. That is NOT SUSTAINABLE.

So sit down with your daughter and son-in-law and come up with a plan.

Maybe one day a week is at their house, and the rest are at yours. Maybe he brings a special blanket, toy, or book from home. Maybe Grandma’s house has a routine he can count on: snack, plants, outside time, nap.

The key is to be calm and consistent.

No bribing. No lying. No sneaking out. I agree with you on that.

But also, no letting his crying run the whole household.

A parent can say, “I love you. You are going to Grandma and Papa’s. I will see you after lunch.” Then they need to leave with confidence. No dilly dallying and making things worse.

And you can comfort your grandson without changing the plan: “I know. You want Mama. That is hard. I am right here. Mama will come back.”

You are helping him learn that he can have big feelings and still be safe.

There may be rough days. There may be tears. I remember my oldest son, Stephen, used to get so worked up that he would cry until he threw up.

But crying does not always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means a child is adjusting.

And with time, consistency, and a little backbone from the grown-ups, he will learn that he can miss Mama and still have a perfectly good day with people who adore him.

With love,

Ursula

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