Ask Ursula: How to tell a friend you’re tired of being her therapist

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show” on KIRO Newsradio. Welcome to “Ask Ursula,” my weekly advice column. 

Dear Ursula,

I have a really good friend who I feel is taking advantage of my kindness. Linda and I have known each other since high school, and we’re now in our 40s. With the exception of a few years, we’ve always been pretty close.

Here’s my problem. Whenever we get together, I feel like it becomes a counseling session. She unloads all her drama on me. I listen, sometimes for hours, and then I give my advice. Sometimes she takes it, but most of the time, she ignores it, and the next time we meet, she’s still complaining about the same thing.

The thing that really bugs me is that so much of our time together is spent, dealing with her issues. I’ve got problems, too, but she never really asks how I’m doing. I think she assumes that because I’m married and she’s not, that at least I have my husband to listen to me and help me out.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to hang out with her because it feels like a one-way relationship. I also know she’s sensitive and would probably be really hurt if I tell her that I’m tired of her drama.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Frustrated friend in the 425

Dear frustrated friend in the 425,

I think there’s a way to tell Linda how you feel without damaging the friendship.

Friendships are a two-way street. They’re built on trust, respect, love, and communication, and all of that has to go BOTH ways.

You’ve known this woman for decades. So start there. Tell her you cherish the friendship you’ve built together and you want it to continue for many more years.

But you also need to be honest. Tell her that lately you feel like you’ve become her emotional sounding board, and sometimes it’s just too much! You want to support her, but you also want to spend more time doing the things that made your friendship special in the first place, instead of every visit becoming a conversation about what’s going wrong in her life.

And tell her something else: you need support, too. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you don’t have problems, and sometimes YOU need a friend to listen.

The bigger danger here is saying nothing. Because eventually, all that frustration is going to come out, or you’re simply going to stop wanting to spend time with her. Either one could do a lot more damage to the friendship than one compassionate, but honest conversation.

And Linda truly may not realize she’s doing this.

If this friendship means as much to both of you as you think it does, it should be able to survive the truth.

With love,

Ursula

If you need some advice about a work, family, or dating dilemma — or maybe there’s something you’re struggling with, and you need an ear and some guidance — I’m here for you. Reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

Follow @https://twitter.com/UrsulaKIROFM