Ask Ursula: I’m tired of chasing family who never commits to a visit

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show” on KIRO Newsradio. Welcome to “Ask Ursula,” my weekly advice column. 

Dear Ursula,

Here’s my dilemma. I’m 73 and have been a widower for four years now, after being married for more than 35 years. I have an incredible support system of friends here, and I’m not lonely. However, all of my family members live in different states and even different countries, and lately I find myself missing them all very much.

My sister and I have a very close relationship. We stay in touch several times a week by text or phone and visit each other several times a year. She lives in Mexico. My sister’s daughter and grandchildren live in Arizona. I would love to have my nieces come up here to visit and have offered multiple times to pay for their flights. Our phone calls and texts are few and far between, and I’m generally the one who makes contact.

Multiple times, I’ve invited them to come visit. Each time, they’ve expressed excitement and eagerness to come. However, when it comes to pinning down a date, they never give me one or seem to follow up with me.

This week, I extended an invitation again to my 25-year-old great-niece to come visit in August. Again, her response was excited, and she said she would check her calendar and get back to me. So far, crickets.

So my question is this: Do I stop inviting them? I know they all have very busy lives, but I also believe that if something is important, you can make it a priority.

Am I just being an old, grouchy auntie? I’d appreciate your advice.

Thanks, Ursula!

Signed,

Frustrated Aunt

P.S. If you need an auntie, let me know. I’d be honored.

Dear Frustrated Aunt,

First of all, no, you’re not just being an old, grouchy auntie. You’ve reached out numerous times after they’ve said they would love to visit you, but their follow-through has been nonexistent. And that hurts.

You clearly want to connect with your nieces. You’ve even gone so far as offering to pay for their travel, and they still don’t seem to be making it a priority. Yes, people have busy lives, but if this were something they really wanted to do right now, as you said yourself, they could probably find a way to make it happen. That may be a hard reality to accept.

At the same time, I wouldn’t automatically take their lack of follow-through as proof that they don’t care about you. They may love you very much and simply be terrible at making plans. 

Bottom line: You don’t have to keep putting yourself in a position to be disappointed.

I would mention it to your sister. Let her know they will always be welcome to visit, but you’re done asking. Maybe she has some insight, or she can gently nudge them to either follow through or simply be honest and say, “Now isn’t a good time for us to make a trip.”

You could also leave it with your nieces this way: “I’d love to see you, and the invitation is always open. When you’re ready to pick a date, let me know.”

Then the ball is in their court. You’ve done your part.

In the meantime, get out there and keep making connections with people who DO want to spend time with you and make you a priority.

And while I don’t need a new auntie, I am always open to new friends  🙂

With love, Ursula

If you need some advice about a work, family, or dating dilemma — or maybe there’s something you’re struggling with, and you need an ear and some guidance — I’m here for you. Reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

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