Ask Ursula: Are these small moments in my daughter’s marriage red flags, or am I projecting?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Concerned mom

Hi Ursula,

I’m struggling with whether to speak up about something that’s been weighing on me.

My 32-year-old daughter has been married for three years, but has been with her husband for about a decade. Lately, I’ve noticed moments where he seems to dismiss or override her. These are subtle things, but they add up. He often has the final word, and she tends to defer.

A couple of examples: At a baseball game, she asked if they should get food before sitting down. Without discussion, he decided they’d go straight to their seats. Another time, she quietly started recording their one-year-old taking steps, and he told her to “back up” and stop interrupting.

Individually, these moments seem small. But they’re starting to concern me.

Part of what makes this so hard is my own history. My daughter previously left an abusive relationship, and I worry about missing warning signs. I was also in a long marriage where I now recognize subtle disrespect, and I grew up in a neglectful home. So I have to ask myself — am I projecting?

To be clear, I like her husband. He’s generally kind, a good listener, and I’ve always believed he respected her. That’s why this feels so confusing.

My question is: Do I say something to my daughter? And if so, how do I do it without pushing her away or misreading the situation? Please help!

Dear Concerned Mom,

What you’re feeling makes a lot of sense, and the fact that you’re even asking these questions tells me you’re trying to handle this with care, not control.

You’ve lived through enough to know that subtle things can matter. So no, you’re not wrong to notice those moments or to feel a little uneasy. At the same time, you’re also wise enough to question whether your own experiences might be making you extra sensitive. BOTH THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

My No. 1 piece of advice is to use this as a chance to CONNECT even more with your daughter, not CONFRONT.

If you go to your daughter and immediately bring up these concerns about her husband, there’s a real risk she’ll pull back or take offense, especially since that’s what happened in the past. But if you go to her with genuine curiosity and care for her — how she’s feeling, how the relationship is going — you create space rather than pressure.

Instead of going in and saying, “I’m worried about how he treats you,” just ask how she’s doing and if she feels heard and supported in the marriage.

You’re not trying to prove anything. You’re trying to make sure she knows YOU are always a safe place to land if she ever needs it.

And you’re right not to dismiss what you’re seeing. If something deeper is going on, she’s far more likely to come to you if she feels supported, not judged.

And if everything is OK, then you’ve strengthened your relationship with your daughter in the process. That’s never the wrong move.

With love,

Ursula

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