Ask Ursula: How do you honor parents who never showed up for you?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Disconnected in Washington

*For purposes of brevity, clarity, or anonymity, some of the original letters to Ask Ursula have been slightly edited.

Dear Ursula,

I’m part of a family group chat, and recently, my relatives were celebrating what would have been my late mother’s 91st birthday. As I read through it, I realized I don’t feel any connection to her at all.

She died when I was just a baby, and I was raised by my aunt in eastern Washington. I never had a relationship with my mother. My father was also complicated — he had multiple relationships and children outside of his marriage, and I never felt a strong emotional connection to him either.

Because of that, I’ve come to believe it’s wrong to bring children into the world if you can’t provide them with emotional support and stability. And I don’t feel comfortable honoring or acknowledging either of my parents because of how things played out.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Signed,

Disconnected in Washington

Dear Disconnected,

You’re asking a moral question, but underneath it is something more personal: How do you make sense of two people who gave you life but not the connection, care, or support you needed?

That’s so painful, and it’s not wrong to feel the way you do. You didn’t have the chance to form a relationship with your mother, and by your account, your father wasn’t able to provide the emotional support a child deserves. Your feelings aren’t moral failures — they reflect what you experienced and what you didn’t receive.

At the same time, your relatives are remembering your mother from their own perspective — one shaped by years of memories you didn’t have. Their version doesn’t invalidate yours, and yours doesn’t invalidate theirs. It simply means multiple truths can exist at once.

You’re not required to honor someone you feel no connection to. But, there may be value in leaving a little room for others to share their memories.

Again, not because you owe your parents anything, but because you might deserve more of your own story.

You also draw a clear line: that bringing a child into the world without emotional support is wrong. Many would agree. Just be careful that your belief doesn’t close you off from understanding or peace.

People fail as parents for many reasons. That does not excuse the harm, but sometimes, understanding it can loosen its hold.

You don’t have to change how you feel. But it’s worth asking: is this stance protecting you, or limiting you?

You’re allowed to define your relationship with your past. Just don’t close the door so tightly that you lock yourself out of understanding it, and being at peace with it, if and when you’re ready.

With love,

Ursula

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