Ask Ursula: My cousin’s daughter confided in me about her drug use, should I tell her mom?

Hi Ursula,

I’m worried about my cousin’s daughter, who I’ll call Lauren. She’s almost 17, and although our families haven’t been especially close the past few years, I recently had a chance to spend some time with her.

I asked Lauren how she was doing, and she really opened up to me. She told me she’s failing high school and isn’t sure how she’s going to finish. She wants to graduate, but she and her mom disagree about what school she should attend for her senior year.

More concerning, Lauren told me she feels like she can’t talk to her mom. She also said she had been using a lot of drugs, but she claims she is clean now.

Her parents have been separated for years. Her younger brothers spend time with their dad, but Lauren refuses to go because she doesn’t like being at his house.

She is working, trying to figure out school, and seems to be trying to get herself back on track. My husband and I told her that we’re here if she ever needs help. We’ve raised three sons and have been through some difficult teen years ourselves. We also have room in our home if she ever truly needed somewhere safe to go.

But now I’m struggling with what to do with everything she told me.

I don’t want to betray Lauren’s trust. But I also don’t want to stay silent if she is struggling more seriously than her mom realizes.

Do I talk to her mom? Do I encourage Lauren to tell her the details herself? And how do we stay involved in her life without crossing the line?

— Concerned Cousin

Dear Cousin,

This one is tricky because Lauren trusted you with some very personal things. I totally understand why you don’t want to betray that trust.

But she’s also 16, she’s failing school, she says she was using a lot of drugs, she feels like she can’t talk to her mom, and she’s trying to navigate all of this mostly on her own. That’s a lot for anyone to carry, much less a teen.

I would start with Lauren. Encourage her to talk to her mom herself, and let her know you’re willing to be there with her if that would make the conversation easier.

I’d also gently try to understand a little more. What did she mean when she said she was doing a lot of drugs? How is she staying clean now? And when she says she doesn’t like being at her dad’s house, is there something happening that makes her feel uncomfortable or unsafe?

If Lauren absolutely refuses to talk to her mother, I think YOU have to tell her mom enough information to help her.

That doesn’t mean repeating every detail Lauren shared. Her mom needs to know about the bigger issues, the school, the past drug use and her overall well-being. And hopefully, with that info, Mom can start a conversation without revealing where it came from.

You can still be Lauren’s safe person while making sure a parent knows she needs help.

But if she tells you she’s unsafe, using drugs again, being hurt or thinking about hurting herself, secrecy is no longer the priority. Lauren is.

Being a trusted adult sometimes means keeping a confidence. Sometimes it means knowing when the stakes are too high to keep it.

With love,

Ursula

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