Stop rescuing your kids? Psychiatrist says raising kids with accountability starts with small consequences
Oct 18, 2026, 5:00 AM
Parents, be honest. How many times have you rescued your kid’s forgotten homework, packed the lunch they forgot, or rushed a jacket to school because they were cold?
Well, one child psychiatrist said those little acts of love could actually be getting in the way of raising confident, independent kids.
Dr. Daniel Amen, a child psychiatrist with 45 years of experience, wants parents to help their kids develop.
His advice? Put down the superhero cape and let your children figure some things out for themselves.
Let kids solve problems without removing the guardrails
Dr. Amen spoke on Jay Shetty’s podcast, “On Purpose with Jay Shetty.”
“Probably the most important skill of mentally strong people: ‘I’m responsible for my life, and if there are consequences, I’m going to pay it,'” Amen said.
And he said it starts a lot earlier than you might think.
He said ages four to six is a good starting point.
“Earlier, the better, and of course, you’re always putting, you know, think of a bowling alley. You’re putting bumper guards up to protect them,” Amen said.
In other words, let kids stumble; just make sure the stakes are age-appropriate.
Dr. Amen shared the story of his daughter Chloe, who used to spend hours fighting with her mother over second-grade homework.
Finally, her mom changed tactics.
She told Chloe the homework was her responsibility, and she’d have to deal with the consequences.
Twenty minutes later, Chloe got to work.
Today, she’s on track to graduate with a business degree.
The lesson?
Sometimes the best way to help your child is to stop doing the job for them.
“You have to have the big picture in mind and the long game in mind. What do I want? What kind of parent do I want to be? Effective, present,” Amen said. “What kind of child do I want to raise? Independent, competent, strong. If I do too much, I’m robbing them of their self-esteem, of their sense of responsibility and agency, and that’s a disaster you just don’t want.”
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Connection and listening help kids find their own answers
Dr. Amen said connection is what gives parents influence, and he has a surprisingly simple prescription.
“Twenty minutes a day. Do something with your child. Child wants to do, that’s reasonable,” he said. “You can do in 20 minutes, so it’s like not taking me to Nordstrom’s. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions. It’s just time to be together, and it’s money in the relational bank.”
And when they start talking?
Listen.
Imagine if your son or daughter came home and said they want to have blue hair.
Some parents might immediately shut that down, but Dr. Amen said it just stops the conversation or starts a fight.
“Active listening teaches you to repeat back what you hear. ‘Oh, you want to have blue hair,’ and then be quiet long enough for them to explain what’s really going on, and he might say, ‘All the kids are wearing their hair blue,'” Amen said. “Which is helpful. ‘So sometimes you feel like you don’t fit in,’ and then give it a breath. So they’re the ones solving their problem.
Dr. Amen’s bottom line: It’s about giving kids the connection, confidence, and skills to face those obstacles themselves.
So the goal isn’t to be the parent who fixes everything. It’s to raise the kids who eventually don’t need you to.
Read more of Katrina Guischard’s stories here.
