Ask Ursula: We bonded over a bad workplace, now I can’t get my friends to stop talking about it

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Healing forward in Redmond

Dear Ursula,

I have a group of friends who have bonded over a really toxic experience at work. I guess you can say we are all trauma-bonded. I want to keep in touch with these friends; however, whenever we get together, that negative time in our lives always comes up. I have been avoiding gatherings with them because of this.

How do I tell them that I am ready to let go and move on from that painful experience? I don’t want to hurt their feelings because I know we all heal differently, but I am ready to let go of the awful, hurtful memory and move on.

– Healing forward in Redmond

Dear Healing,

Your friendship with these former co-workers was born out of something toxic that you all experienced. It’s great that you are ready to move on. But as you mentioned, people process things differently and heal in their own timeline.

My advice to you is to be HONEST and tell them how you feel, but do it gently.

You could say something like, “I love all of you … and I think I’m finally at a point where I don’t want our old workplace to take up so much oxygen in my life anymore. I want to know what’s happening with your kids, your relationships, your new jobs, your vacations, and not spend time re-hashing the worst chapter that we survived together.”

Let’s face it: It’s not good for your mental health to stay stuck in time. I believe that you can convey that in a way that you’re not rejecting THEM, but instead rejecting your old company.

I also thought of another idea that could be fun! What about intentionally marking a shift the next time you’re together? You could do something as simple as a toast to what’s AHEAD… instead of what you left behind. I’ve also hosted parties where everyone shares their “highs, lows, and glows.” When people allow themselves to be vulnerable, it can turn into such meaningful bonding moments, and you end up deepening those friendships.

Bottom line, you can honor what you all survived without letting it be the only reason for your friendship.

With love,

Ursula

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

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