Ask Ursula: Amid a divorce after a 30-year marriage, my in-laws forgot my birthday

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and welcome to my advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

A divorce after 30 years

Dear Ursula,

I’ve been married for 30 years and am going through a divorce. Throughout my entire marriage, my in-laws have always sent me a birthday card in the mail.

This year, for the first time in three decades, I didn’t receive a call, text, or even a card. What’s made it more painful is that my daughter’s birthday falls around the same time as mine, and I saw that they did send her a card. Of course I’m happy they celebrated her, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting to realize there was nothing for me.

It made me feel like I’m no longer considered part of the family, and that loss feels very real. At the same time, I’m unsure if my expectations are fair given the circumstances.

Is it reasonable to feel upset about this, or is this a normal change in relationships when a marriage is ending?

Signed,

Feeling Forgotten

Dear Forgotten,

You are absolutely justified in feeling hurt by this. For 30 years, these people were FAMILY to you. A birthday card might seem small, but after three decades, it represents something much bigger. It was a sign of their love for you. It was part of a tradition. So when it suddenly disappears, it can feel like the relationship disappeared too.

At the same time, this is also pretty normal and, sadly, very common during a divorce. Your in-laws may feel conflicted and awkward. They might feel loyal to their son or unsure where the boundaries are now. They also may only be hearing one side of the situation. NONE of that means they never cared about you.

If you really want to have some kind of relationship with them, I do think it’s worth reaching out. Just let them know you still care about them and hope you can eventually have a friendly relationship as your children’s grandparents.

Truthfully, they may not be ready for that right now, especially while the divorce still isn’t finalized. But extending that grace allows you to walk away knowing you handled it with maturity and heart.

I also want to emphasize that one missed birthday acknowledgment does not erase 30 years of shared family history. Your relationship may be changing, but it doesn’t mean it never mattered.

And finally, sometimes the hardest part of divorce isn’t just losing a spouse; it’s realizing you can lose an entire extended family too. That’s a grief people don’t talk about enough.

With love,

Ursula

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