Ask Ursula: I was ghosted by some friends and mutual friends won’t tell me why. What do I do?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Ghosted with no explanation

Dear Ursula,

I recently lost two people whom I thought were very good friends. We were on completely different pages politically and religiously, but our shared love of national parks and photography always came first.

They stopped talking to me without explanation. I reached out several times to ask if I had hurt them in some way, but never got an answer. I’ve always said: I will fight for you as my friend, but I won’t fight for you to be my friend. I understand they made a decision, and I respect that.

Here’s the problem: The friends I still spend time with in the park community KNOW why this couple ended the friendship, but they refuse to tell me. They are still friends with them, which is fine. I’ve made it clear that if they told me, I would never go back to the couple or reveal who shared the information.

But I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my remaining friends not trusting me enough to tell me what they know. I consider myself thoughtful and careful with people, so the idea that I may have hurt friends is breaking my heart. I don’t know how much longer I can continue spending time with people who are holding onto a secret about me that I’m not allowed to know. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Signed,

Seeking Closure

Dear Seeking Closure,

It is so painful to lose friends, and sadly, it does seem to be happening more often today because of political and religious differences.

I’m sorry for your pain. What makes this especially hard is that you were willing to set those differences aside because of the love you share for photography and the National Parks. Unfortunately, they were not.

The truth is, I don’t think there’s much more you can do. You’ve reached out. You’ve asked if you hurt them. You’ve made it clear that you cared about the friendship. At this point, you’re fighting for a friendship they no longer value in the same way you did.

As for the friends you still spend time with, I understand why you want to know the reason. You sound like a thoughtful and self-aware person. But you need to ask yourself: What would truly change if they told you? Would it bring peace … or just more pain?

Those remaining friends may also feel caught in the middle. By telling you, they may feel they are betraying the confidence of the other couple, even if their intentions are good. That doesn’t mean they don’t trust you or care about you.

My advice is to keep your focus on the passion you all still share:  the parks, the photography, the experiences that bring you joy and connection.

Maybe one day the reason will come out. Maybe it won’t. Part of protecting your own peace is being OK with the reality that not every ending comes with closure.

Sending you love,

Ursula

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

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