Ask Ursula: My daughter borrowed $50K from my 96-year-old father and hasn’t paid it back

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

My daughter borrowed $50k from my father

My dilemma is that my daughter borrowed a very large sum — $50,000 — from my dad in 2025 and apparently has not paid it back.

My dad is 96. He recently became quite frail and moved into an assisted living facility with my stepmother. He was a very successful insurance agency owner, had vacation homes in Arizona, traveled to Europe — he did very well for himself.

My daughter is 49. She has a master’s degree in public administration, has a good-paying job, and owns a home. Until this came up, I thought she was very responsible with money.

Dad has never liked discussing finances and gets irritated when people ask personal questions. So I was shocked when I accidentally discovered he had loaned her the money. He even had her sign a promissory note.

Now my father has asked me to help get it back. My brother wants me to talk to her. My cousin, who will be executor of the estate, said I need to get involved because my father is spending more than he’s bringing in. He also warned me that if the loan is never repaid, it could create resentment, and my future inheritance could suffer.

I’m inclined to do nothing. Am I a jerk for not getting involved?

Signed,

Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

You’re not a jerk for wanting to stay out of it. Family money disputes can get very messy very fast. I TOTALLY GET why you’d rather not be the one stuck in the middle.

But I do think you have a responsibility to bring it up with your daughter. Not because of your inheritance. Please keep that part out of it! Your father asked for your help, and this was not a casual gift. This was a $50,000 loan with a promissory note. Everyone involved understood it was meant to be repaid.

Your daughter may have financial struggles you don’t know about. Life happens. But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the obligation disappear.

What stands out to me is that your father sounds like a proud, private man who doesn’t easily ask for personal help. The fact that he’s asking now tells me this is weighing heavily on him.

That also doesn’t mean you become the family debt collector. It simply means having a calm, respectful conversation with your daughter and encouraging her to address it directly with him. Maybe the answer is a payment plan. Maybe it’s a renegotiation. But silence is rarely a good strategy in family financial matters.

Trust me when I say these situations have a way of resurfacing later, and they can create a lot of family resentment.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is gently nudge someone toward doing what they already know is right.

With love,

Ursula

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