‘Social media is a lousy place to measure friendship’: Ursula weighs in on being ignored online

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and welcome to my advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Being ignored online

Dear Ursula,

Sometimes I wonder about the people I’m connected to on social media.

There are certain friends and even family members whose posts I regularly like. If they share good news, I’ll congratulate them. If they post photos, I’ll often leave a comment. I try to be supportive and engaged. At the very least, I’ll hit the like button.

But I’ve noticed that some of these same people never seem to return the favor. They never like my posts, never comment, and never acknowledge anything I share. The strange thing is, I know they’re seeing my content. They view stories, they’re active online, and they seem to interact with plenty of other people.

At first, I didn’t let it bug me. But if I’m being honest, it does hurt my feelings. It makes me wonder whether they’re actually interested in maintaining a friendship or if they’re just keeping tabs on what’s going on in my life.

Part of me wants to unfriend people who never engage. Another part of me thinks I’m taking this far too personally and should simply let it go.

Am I expecting too much? In the grand scheme of things, does this really matter?

Signed,

Feeling Ignored Online

Dear Feeling Ignored,

I understand why this bugs you.

It does not feel great to show up for other people online, congratulate them, be excited about their good news, leave a nice comment, and then feel like they cannot be bothered to do the same for you. That can hurt, especially when you know they are seeing what you post.

But I would also say you shouldn’t take it too personally.

The truth is, some people are just looky-loos. They scroll. They watch stories. They know what everyone is doing. But they do not always engage. That may be annoying, but it does not mean they do not care about you.

Some people do not want much of a presence on social media. My husband is one of those. Some are busy. Some are lazy. And yes, some may not be as invested in the relationship as you are.

That is where you have to look at the bigger picture.

I would put more weight on how this person treats you in real life. Do they call? Do they text back? Do they show up when something actually matters? That tells you more than a thumbs-up on social media ever will.

If this is someone who is kind to you in real life and just doesn’t show enthusiasm about your vacation pictures, I would let that go. Social media is a lousy place to measure friendship.

But if this is part of a larger pattern, where they watch everything you do but never reach out, never respond, never make an effort, then maybe it is time to rethink how much access they get to your life.

You can mute them. You can unfollow them. You can remove them if that feels better. Your social media feed is yours.

But I also want to know: are you liking and commenting because you genuinely want to, or because you are hoping they will do the same for you?

Not everyone is going to match your energy. That is true online and off. If you want to be supportive, be supportive. But do not keep doing it if it leaves you feeling resentful.

Better yet, try connecting outside of social media. Send a text. Make a lunch plan. Have an actual conversation. That will tell you a lot more than whether someone hit the like button.

With love,

Ursula

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

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