Ask Ursula: My stepson never calls his dad, when can I get involved?

Dear Ursula,

I’ve been with my husband since his only son was four years old. He’s now in his 40s and married, with two adult sons of his own.

It’s been years since he contacted his dad to wish him a happy birthday or even a happy Father’s Day. My husband is disabled after a stroke, so he’s also dealing with depression, and I know it hurts his feelings not to hear from his son on those important days.

They do call each other throughout the year, and we always go to their house when we’re invited for special occasions. When we do, everyone is quite loving, especially toward my husband. So I don’t understand why nobody calls him on his birthday or Father’s Day.

I’m thinking of sending his son a card asking him to please call his dad in the future, at least on Father’s Day. My stepson has never really cared much for me, even though I’ve tried to be close to him, so I’m worried that if I actually talk to him, he may cut me off and tell me to mind my own business.

But if I write to him, maybe he’ll read the whole thing and understand why I’m concerned. And maybe his wife will read it and help persuade him. She is quite a force of nature, and I’m sure he would listen to her, provided she agrees with me.

What say you, Ursula?

The concerned Stepmom

Dear Stepmom,

Before you send a card or say anything to your stepson, ask your husband whether it’s something he wants. And secondly, does he want you to step in?

I know you’re trying to protect someone you love, but you don’t want to speak for him unless he wants your help.

Ideally, your husband would tell his son himself, “It would mean a lot to me if you called me on these days.” But I also understand that may be difficult, especially after a stroke and while dealing with depression.

You can also model the behavior by making sure you and your husband call his son and grandsons on their birthdays. Just don’t keep score.

Since your stepson has never been fond of you, you’re right to be cautious. If your husband wants you to reach out, keep it light. Don’t make it a big guilt trip.

You might simply write, “Your dad really lights up when he’s with you and the grandkids. I know it would mean a lot to him to hear from you on his birthday or Father’s Day.”

And I’d suggest leaving his wife out of it. Trying to get her to jump in could make him feel that people are ganging up on him.

Bottom line, if your husband is cool with it, make one gentle request, and then step back. You can encourage the connection, but you can’t create it for them.

With love, Ursula

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