Ask Ursula: Amid a combative divorce, how do I handle a friend who’s in love with me?

Dear Ursula,

I’m 58 and in the middle of a contentious divorce from a narcissistic doctor who stripped me of nearly everything.

I left a 30-year career to be at his beck and call while also dealing with serious medical issues and his affairs. I was in mammography, but I allowed my license to expire. Now I feel like I have no skills, and my future is in the hands of a judge.

I’m reeling from the loss of my marriage. I am also disgusted that I allowed him to control me, but the truth is, I still love him.

During all of this, I met a wonderful man. He is wonderful in almost every way, but I sense some jealousy and dependency that I cannot handle right now.

We started as close friends, but my biggest mistake was allowing the friendship to become physical. I do not care about that part, but he says he loves me. He tells me I am a “catch” and says he is not giving up on me or our friendship.

But after a year together, I am not even close to being in love with him, and I do not see that happening. I have told him I cannot love him the way he wants and that I am not ready to be in a relationship.

I truly love him as a friend. My heart breaks thinking I may have led him on, even though I have been completely honest about my feelings.

Do I cut him off completely? Or can I keep him in my life strictly as a friend without hurting him even more?

Signed,

Overwhelmed in Olympia

Dear Overwhelmed,

Please give yourself grace. You’re in the middle of one of life’s most stressful events! This is a contentious divorce, and you’re not only grieving your marriage, you’re also stressed out about how you’re going to pay your bills.

It’s totally understandable that you turned to a trusted friend who was there for you, and that the friendship eventually became physical.

But you’ve also pointed out some important truths. You still love your husband. And, after a year, you’re NOT in love with your friend, and you don’t believe you ever will be. You also mention that you’re already seeing signs of jealousy and dependency that concern you.

My advice is to listen to what you are telling yourself!

I think you need to step away from the relationship right now … and that includes ending the physical part of it. Continuing to have sex while telling him you only want friendship will keep hope alive, even if you’ve been honest about your feelings.

The last thing you want is for fear, loneliness, or financial stresses to push you from one unhealthy situation into another.

Tell your friend that you need time and space to deal with the divorce and to decide what you want your life to look like. After spending so many years putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own, you need time to get to know yourself again.

Later, when you’re in a good place emotionally,  you can decide whether you want to be friends again. And he can figure out whether your friendship without benefits is something he can genuinely accept.

You also need support that doesn’t depend on either of these men. Lean on trusted friends, a therapist, or a divorce support group. Get practical help rebuilding your career and understanding your financial options. You may feel as though you have no skills, but a 30-year career gave you experience, knowledge, and resilience that did not disappear when your license expired.

Hang in there!

With love,

Ursula

If you need some advice about a work, family, or dating dilemma — or maybe there’s something you’re struggling with, and you need an ear and some guidance — I’m here for you. Reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

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