Ask Ursula: I’ve been engaged for 27 years and now I’m not even welcome in his mother’s home

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Lonely in Tacoma

Dear Ursula,

I feel completely lost and alone. I’ve been engaged to my fiancé for 27 years, and until recently, I was always included in his family. But after his father passed away last year, everything changed.

Now, I’m not welcome in his mother’s home. My fiancé spends nearly all his time there with her, and if I see him at all, it’s just briefly — usually outside … in my car. We barely spend time together anymore.

I’ve lost my own family, and holidays like this past Easter only make the loneliness worse. I’m left wondering where I belong.

Am I wrong to feel hurt and pushed aside? And how do I know when it’s time to walk away from someone I’ve spent most of my life with?

Dear Lonely in Tacoma,

I’m really glad you wrote in because what you’re describing isn’t just loneliness, it’s rejection. You didn’t just lose your place in his family, you lost your place in his life.

And I need to address one of the first things that stood out in your letter. You’ve been engaged for 27 years. That’s more than delay, that’s a decision. When your fiancé’s father passed away, he didn’t turn toward you. Instead, he turned away from you. That’s another decision.

Now, you’re not allowed in your mother-in-law’s house. You only get to visit with him from your car, and you spent Easter alone while he chose to be somewhere else. You’re not competing with his family. You’ve already been cut out of it.

Grief can explain a lot. It does not explain why he shuts you out like this. It does not explain why he makes you feel like an outsider in a nearly three-decade relationship.

So I want you to ask yourself something, and I need you to be brutally honest: Are you staying with him because this relationship is giving you love, or because it’s the only version of love you’ve known for a long time? Because right now, you’re already alone. The only difference is that you’re alone with someone who is actively choosing not to show up for you. You’re giving him permission to keep hurting you. That needs to STOP. NOW!

If you left him today, you would be completely justified.

But at the very least, it’s time for one clear, direct conversation: “Do you still see me as your partner?”

If he says yes, then WATCH WHAT HE DOES. If nothing changes immediately, then you finally have the answer you’ve known all along. It’s time to end it.

Sending you love,

Ursula

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

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