Ask Ursula: My wife seems withdrawn and depressed. What do I do?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show” on KIRO Newsradio. Welcome to “Ask Ursula,” my weekly advice column. 

Dear Ursula,

I’m sure my wife is depressed. We’ve been married for more than 30 years. She’s a little older than me. I’m 60, and she’s retired.

She’s also had stomach problems. Her doctors can’t figure out why she feels nauseous all the time. This has been going on for more than a year.

She does nothing. She just sits on the couch all day. She’ll take the dog for a walk sometimes, but that’s about it.

I still work. Then I come home and fix dinner, and I do the yard work. I’m not complaining. I’m just not the kind of guy who can sit down. But it makes me sad. We used to go out and sing karaoke, go bowling, things like that. She used to go to the YMCA.

I hate confrontation, but I have brought it up. She always says, “The doctors have already tested for everything,” or, “I know, I know.”

Ursula, I don’t know what else to do.

I try to listen to you guys most days, and a reply would be much appreciated.

Signed,

Missing My Wife in Bothell

Dear Missing My Wife in Bothell,

What I hear in your letter is not frustration. It’s love. You miss your wife and miss seeing her enjoy life.

And I think you may have hit on something in your very first sentence when you said you think she’s depressed. That’s certainly a possibility, and I wonder if anyone has looked into that.

Doctors can test for all kinds of physical problems, and she shouldn’t stop looking for an explanation for nausea that’s lasted this long. But depression and anxiety can also show up physically. Sometimes it looks like exhaustion or losing interest in everything you used to enjoy.

And retirement is a huge change. Your wife is around my age. Work gives us purpose, relationships, a reason to get up and go. When all of that suddenly disappears, it can be HARD.

Throw in hormonal changes, sleep changes, aging, and all the other fun things the human body throws at women in our age bracket. There may be a lot going on.

So I would talk to her again, but don’t make it a confrontation.

You can tell her that you’re worried about her. You can share that you miss doing things with her and seeing her happy.

Then ask if she’d be willing to talk to her doctor SPECIFICALLY about her mood, her energy, and how much she’s checked out of life. Maybe she needs therapy. Maybe medication. Maybe there’s something else going on.

Whatever you do, don’t guilt her. Chances are, nobody feels worse about how she’s doing than she does.

You sound like you really love your wife. And I so appreciate that you’ve reached out to me. I want to give you hope.

This is a hard chapter, but it doesn’t have to be the rest of your story. Help her get the support she needs, and keep walking beside her.

With love,

Ursula

If you need some advice about a work, family, or dating dilemma — or maybe there’s something you’re struggling with, and you need an ear and some guidance — I’m here for you. Reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

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