Ask Ursula: My son’s wedding is a year away and the bride’s parents are deciding everything

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show” on KIRO Newsradio. Welcome to “Ask Ursula,” my weekly advice column. 

Dear Ursula,

My son and his fiancé are getting married next winter. Even though it’s a long time away, I’m already a nervous wreck.

We want to contribute financially to their big day, but I feel like the cost is a moving target. I’m only getting bits and pieces of information from my son, and it seems to change from week to week. I don’t want to bug his fiancée because I don’t want to come across as the meddling mother-in-law to be.

What’s clear to me is that her parents are deciding everything, from the venue to the food to the flowers and the size of the guest list. Because money is not an object for them, everything is top of the line, and the guest list is enormous.

My husband and I are planning to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but now the bride’s parents also want to have a say in that! On top of that, we know it’s tradition to also help pay for the honeymoon. Or is that even a thing?

We want our son and future daughter-in-law to have the wedding of their dreams, but this is turning into a nightmare. How do we contribute meaningfully without going broke because of a wedding with unlimited expenses?

Sincerely,

Anxious Mother of the Groom in Kirkland

Dear Anxious Mother of the Groom in Kirkland,

It’s good and bad news that the wedding is still far away. There’s plenty of time to plan … but also plenty of time to stress.

There are a few things that you and your husband can do to lower the temperature.

First of all, you are NOT expected to match the bride’s parents dollar for dollar. Figure out what your budget is, make that number clear to the couple, and let them decide how they want to use it. Even if you think you have a better idea for stretching those dollars.

You’re also NOT obligated to help pay for the honeymoon. That may be tradition in some families, but these days it’s hardly a hard-and-fast rule.

Same thing with the rehearsal dinner. If you are paying for it, then you should have meaningful control over the party you’re hosting.

Also, make sure whatever number you offer is something you can truly afford without dipping into retirement, draining emergency savings, or taking on a bunch of debt.

My other suggestion is to deal with this primarily with your son and his future wife, rather than negotiating directly with the bride’s parents.

And if they decide your number isn’t enough and they want a more elaborate rehearsal dinner or honeymoon than you’re willing to pay for, then the people asking for the upgrade can pay for the upgrade.

Bottom line

You don’t need to finance somebody else’s definition of the perfect wedding. Decide what you can joyfully afford, give that amount with love, and stop apologizing for where the number lands.

With love, Ursula

If you need some advice about a work, family, or dating dilemma — or maybe there’s something you’re struggling with, and you need an ear and some guidance — I’m here for you. Reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Listen to Gee and Ursula on “The Gee and Ursula Show” weekday mornings from 9 am to 12 pm on KIRO Newsradio.

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